


Hello, Love Daddy

by SuperSecretAgentQrow



Category: RWBY
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Fluff, How does this Even Work?, Inspired by Chibi, Literally the only Fic with this Pairing, More Ships and Characters on the Way, Romance, The Tinder Ship has Sailed, read and find out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-03-20 21:44:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13726584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperSecretAgentQrow/pseuds/SuperSecretAgentQrow
Summary: Can love break the boundaries of RWBY Chibi? Follow Taiyang and Cinder as worlds collide and the flames of romance are fanned between the elder dragon and the girl on fire.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Someone had to do it.

_Click, click._

No matches.

_Click click click._

Still nothing.

 _Clickclickclickclickcli_ -

Taiyang sighed. This was hopeless. On a whim he’d registered for a free trial on this oddly-specific dating site, only to have spent his whole time without a match. After all, one man could only spend so much time alone in a house made for a family, and with his daughters away on their first year at Beacon, and Qrow away on another “mission” to a bar in Vale, Tai had started feeling...

 _Lonely Hunstman_. The logo stared back at him. _Over 95% of users matched within their first month!_ “Fat chance of that,” he muttered, stretching his arms before flopping back down on the table, similar to Zwei basking in the afternoon sun.

A single match, was that too much to ask? No question that he was lady material, he’d already been married twice for Oum’s sake! Then again, 100% of his dating experience did come from his own teammates, who were now dead, drunk, and gone, respectively. 

And whether or not his marriages were out of pity he’d never know...

Tai hammered his skull onto the table, no way he was falling down that hole again. Heaving another rib cage-shattering sigh, he peeked at the screen again, his profile staring back at him.

###### LOVEDADDY

  
**Name** Taiyang Xiao Long  
**Age** Cool

  * Just a cool guy looking for cool ladies that won't leave me. Again
  * Cool dude
  * Cool cool cool cool
  * Must love dogs, specifically mine



He just didn’t get it. How come this wasn’t dropping him matches left and right? Didn’t _everybody_ love dogs? 

But here he was, days away from his trial expiring, and it seemed like his only choice was to quit the game while he was still behind, before he put any actual money into it.

“I just don’t understand,” he muttered, “is there some way I’m doing it wrong..?”

“Doing what wrong?” At the sudden question Tai jumped back out of his chair, strategically blocking the screen as his daughter Ruby skipped into the kitchen.

“What! Nothing! W-where’d you come from?!” Tai yelped, trying to close the page without looking behind him.

“Uh, Dad, we’ve been home for break since yesterday? You _literally_ made us lunch an hour ago...” Ruby peered over her dad’s shoulder at the screen. “Wait a minute...are you going to inappropriate places on the Internet?”

Taiyang balked at the accusation, throwing his hands up defensively. “ **What?** No! How do you even know about those?” It seemed like just yesterday that Ruby had thought Nevermores were just really big hungry birds...

“Who’s Love Daddy?” Of course the sisters were now teaming up to spy on him! By the time Tai turned back to the computer, Yang was already clicking away on the site.

“No one is Love Daddy, Yang, Ruby - I-I’ve been hacked! Just let me fix it!” Tai tried as he unsuccessfully pulled to get the girls away from the screen, until Yang found the site logo.

Sunny Dragon whistled. “Oh my Oum, is this a _dating site_ , Dad?” The grin she sent at him told him she already knew.

 _Mission abort!_ Taiyang facepalmed - damn you, Internet promotions! He regretted everything! “You know what? Fine. I’M Love Daddy. Happy? Go ahead and laugh - actually, I haven’t gotten a **single** match, so you guys can laugh twice as hard...”

Tai leaned against the table despondently, waiting for the inevitable giggles and laughs at his ineptitude. At least making his girls happy brought him some solace...

Instead he was grabbed by both shoulders and pushed aside as his girls started tapping at the computer. “Don’t worry about it, we’ll take over from here,” Yang said, flexing her wrists.

Now Tai was really confused. “Umm, what are you doing?” he asked, as Ruby typed away on the keyboard and Yang clicked with the mouse.

“Pretty easy, Dad - if you want girls to like you, you’ve gotta sell yourself like a champ! A dangerous bad boy with an _edgy_ attitude!” Yang threw over her shoulder with a fist-pump.

Tai hummed. “I’m dangerous...”

“But also dependable and _responsible!_ ” Ruby added as she held down the backspace key on his entry.

"Hell yeah, I'm a single dad!" Tai answered behind them.

“Ladies like a relentless adventurer -”

“I like adventures...”

“But someone who can take care of others!”

“I make a hecking **awesome** pizza dinner!” pops professed.

“The kind of guy with a _fire_ tattoo on his arm -”

Tai smiled at his long dragon he’d gotten for Yang’s birthday.

“-But also a man who wears his heart on his sleeve!”

Yang and Ruby nodded before hitting the update button. “That should do it, Love Daddy is officially on the hunt! Look out, ladies!” Yang shot her old man a wink.

Tai was pretty amazed. He would’ve never expected his girls to help him like that. But if there was one thing his daughters knew better than him, it was women. “Thanks girls, I honestly don’t know what to say -”

There was thunderous footsteps on the stairs followed by a quick flapping of wings. “Did someone say...

“ _Ladies?_ ” In slid Qrow, wearing nothing but a silk towel around his waist, shooting finger guns at his favorite nieces. Immediately Tai blocked the unseemly sight from his eyes. “Gah, Qrow, for crying out loud, do you even wear pants? When did you even get back here?”

Rather than respond, Qrow plopped down at the computer desk and immediately propped his feet up. “Lonely Huntsman, huh?” he mused. “Can’t say I’m surprised, but this site’s way too mainstream. You better lie about your age though, bud.” Qrow paused to slick back his hair. “Put up a shirtless selfie, too. Chicks **dig** shirtless selfies.”

Tai pulled at his hair. “Alright, I see how much of a TERRIBLE mistake this was! I might as well just **delete** my whole account right -”

A ding popped onto the screen, freezing the whole kitchen. Zwei grumbled in his sleep.

“Was...was that a match?” Taiyang asked cautiously, too afraid to hope.

The girls peeked back at the computer, then turned to each other with wide eyes. “Before you get your hopes up, I had to... _widen the net_ a little bit,” Yang mumbled sheepishly.

“Widen the net..?” Tai repeated as he opened the match link to:

A black-haired beauty who’s most defining wardrobe choice appeared to be **fire**...

###### iBurn

 **Name** Cinder Fall  
**Age** How Dare You  


  * Looking to meet new people. Specifically innocent younger men with ties to huntsmen academies.
  * Love my job so much but coworkers are such **peons**...
  * Enjoy long walks in dark alleys
  * Someone who appreciates the _fire_ things in life
  * Totally not evil
  * Must love (fighting) Grimm



...

“I think she’s lying about her age,” Tai muttered as Yang put a hand on his shoulder in consolation.

Ruby shook her head. “You really _do_ have the worst luck with women.”

“Meh,” Qrow huffed. “I’ve dated worse.”

Everyone raised an eyebrow. Fat chance of that.

* * *

After that whole embarrassing debacle, Tai had mostly spent his day taking care of his family, cooking a nice spaghetti dinner for the kids and a crummy leftover burger for crummy Qrow before taking Zwei out for a quick Grimm-slaying walk in the forest. It was late by the time he’d gotten back, everyone in the house back in their respective rooms.

Strangely, Tai didn’t feel tired yet. Something about the day had kept poking the back of his mind...

Sitting down at the kitchen table again Tai booted up his desktop again. The same profile page was still open, same obviously _terrifying_ lady staring back at him through the screen.

If he ignored the total pyromaniacal and not-super-friendly vibe from the bio, she really did seem like a pretty woman. Dark hair and amber eyes that shone in the flames, with a tight dress that had probably gotten more than one man literally killed before him.

Tai caught his hand before it could click on the messenger. _I really shouldn’t be doing this_ , he mulled. Tai had already dealt with psychopathic women in his prime, anyways; shouldn’t he have learned his lesson?

 _Maybe that was why the match presented itself though_ , he countered. Maybe the site knew about his pained past full of loss, and plotted a hand-crafted mission to match the two of them together on a shared path of redemption.

Or maybe the man was desperate. Who cares? Not like anyone else was watching.

Zwei barked lazily. _Let it be known he didn’t stop me_ , Tai decided. With only a moment’s hesitation he typed out a quick message, hit send before he could take it back, and dragged himself to bed, half-expecting never to hear from Cinder Fall.

Which was why the next day started with a most effeminate scream at the Xiao-Long household. And all it took was a measly three words, too...

**Hello, Love Daddy ❤️**


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cinder gets some help with a new kind of scheme.

_Bam!_

A pair of lazy red eyes quirked as the door opened with a burst of flames.

“I just don’t understand!” In trudged Cinder, hands balled in her raven hair and embers flicking off her counterfeit Beacon uniform. “How can anyone ramble for so long **every single day**?”

Head hanging upside down on the bed, Emerald grabbed an unopened grape soda to toss at Cinder before turning back to her phone. “Finally snapped at the old Portface, huh?”

Chugging the drink before melting the can, she grit her teeth. “I swear to Oum, if I have to sit through his creation story of that blasted blunderbuss one more time I’m going to take it to concuss him and trash that idiot Oobleck’s classroom. Honestly,” she whined, “even Beacon students have trouble finishing his homework, and they’re not the ones running a master criminal operation on the side!” Rant over, she turned an amber eye of mild irritation at the green-haired thief. “Why are you even in my room? How did you get back from campus so quickly?”

“Eh, I bother to learn the shortcuts and nothing else,” Em answered with a half-hearted shrug. “Excited for break?”

“As if,” Cinder huffed, sitting at her desk and booting up her laptop. “I’ve got more than enough tasks to keep me busy these next three days.” With her browser already opened, Cinder reviewed her to-do list: two history essays on Grimm proliferation across Sanus, email the corrupt policeman she’d been so happy to bribe, monitor Vale Dust shipments for the month...

“Who’s iBurn?” a voice right next to her ear drawled.

“Ack!” Cinder shut her screen instantly and turned to Mercury, who’d also popped in with a bag of chips in hand. “Mother of Mike and Marty, what are both of you _doing_ here? It’s almost like I wasn’t generous enough to give you two your own secret base quarters to share with Roman and Neo!”

“Generous my ass,” the silver-haired snarker said, dodging around to try and grab Cinder’s laptop. “Besides, those rooms don’t have a wonderful boss who’s **so hot** when she gets flustered.”

“Huh-buh-Mercury what are you - that doesn’t even -”

“Got it,” Emerald finished for her from the other side of the table, and Cinder could only groan as the two high-fived and sat back on the bed to open up her computer again.

She should’ve known they were going to double-team her. Mercury and Emerald hated each other’s guts but were inseparable. Real schemer siblings right there.

“Mercury! Emerald! Give me one reason not to set you both on fire _this instant_ for insubordination!” Cinder seethed, too haughty to simply up and swipe the laptop back.

Metal mercenary Mercury leaned back to watch Emerald tap on the keyboard. “Easy, you wouldn’t dare hurt your poor silk sheets you spent two weeks trying to steal from that Mistral shop.”

Even more upset that he was right she stood up. How dare her minions disregard her authority like this! “I’m giving you three seconds to give my computer back and get to work! You can’t even open -” a light _ping_ interrupted her - “how did you **already** get into my computer?!”

Emerald snorted, eyes on the screen. “Well, if you stopped making your passwords some variant of Girl on Fire, it wouldn’t take us two tries to log on.” She whistled. “Nice profile picture, by the way. So what’s a _Lonely Huntsman_?”

Fiery rage evaporating Cinder paled. “Nothing is a lonely huntsman! Put that away, I’m warning you! Mercury stop clicking - what are you clicking on?”

This time Mercury whistled. “Holy Oum, Em, I think this is a _dating_ site. That metally guy with a crew cut over there looks pretty hot.”

“Ooh, really? So Cinder’s the lonely huntsman?”

Rrgh! Cinder made a mental note to vaporize the next promotional content department she found, how dare they embarrass her like this! “Look, I was provided with a free account for this random website, which I’m using for a complex and lucrative scheme, something that _clearly_ passes over both of your heads!”

Emerald turned to her questioningly. “Would that hypothetical plan be to ensnare a single huntsman and use his weakness to gain extended access to one of the Vale academies?”

What? “How?..it seems I’ve taught the two of you almost too well,” Cinder muttered.

“I wouldn’t give us too much credit,” Mercury piped up. “Considering it’s basically verbatim from your bio.”

“I beg your pardon?”

The screen swiveled and Cinder was face to face with what she’d written on a whim. “Seriously? ‘Looking for a poor lost gentleman who can give this totally-innocent lady a good time?’ ‘Enjoy nice long walks on the beach spying on Signal Academy?’ ‘Love making my minions slave away on illicit community service events?’”

“And the joke, too,” Emerald cut in. “Someone who appreciates the _fire_ things in life? Really, Cinder?”

Said supervillain wiped a hand down her face, plopping back into her chair. “Why do you have to give me such an attitude? Can’t I just work on my shitty profile in peace?”

Her two peons gave each other a look, before furiously tapping away on her computer. Huh? “What dumb thing are you two doing now?”

“Chill out, boss,” Mercury said as he turned the screen to Emerald, who nodded and took the laptop from him to continue mashing the keyboard. “Since you’re obviously so overworked, let **us** take care of this dating profile.”

“Are you joking?” Cinder was taken aback. “What would you know about dating that I don’t?”

“Well for starters,” Emerald said, “we know that if you wanna catch a huntsman, you have to market yourself as someone they want to meet, a beautiful woman with a real heart!”

“I’ve got a human heart,” Cinder murmured.

“Same time, though,” Mercury continued, “a lady’s gotta have a **spicy** side and be willing to try new experiences.”

“I’m pretty spicy...”

“Damn right you are. A huntsman wants someone they can see a future with -”

“-But also someone with deep and dark secrets that no one else could discover.”

Cinder smirked. Secrets came aplenty in their industry. “Just make sure the joke stays.”

“Sure thing,” Mercury rolled his eyes and passed the computer to Em, “Just gotta remind them that you’re a non-evil lady with a funny side -”

“And a fiery determination when it comes to working with all things Grimm!”

Both of the henchies checked out the screen, and Mercury gave a thumbs up before handing Cinder her laptop. “And there we go. Was that so hard?”

Cinder, still dumbfounded at the rare attention these two paid for her, skimmed through their edits. “This...this is remarkable!”

###### iBurn

 **Name** Cinder Fall  
**Age** How Dare You  


  * Looking to meet new people. Specifically innocent younger men with ties to huntsmen academies
  * Love my job so much but coworkers are such peons...
  * Enjoy long walks in dark alleys
  * Someone who appreciates the fire things in life
  * Totally not evil
  * Must love (fighting) Grimm



(Unfortunately, it should be stressed that 100% of team CRMNE have some level of a sociopathic criminal personality.)

“Where did you guys learn so much about what huntsmen desire?”

Emerald shrugged again, lying back down on the bed. “Nothing better to do in Port’s class than just watch the other students. You can learn a lot about a huntsman by what they do in Port’s lectures.”

“Yeah,” Merc agreed sagely, “there’s just so much to study when you take a look around and appreciate your dozens of classmates. Even if technically we work against them...”

“Dozens my ass,” Emerald growled, “you spend the entire time with your eyes glued to **one** blonde bimbo and her boobs.”

“Hah, you said bimbo,” Mercury snickered. “Besides, I’m not the one crushing hard on her six year-old sister.”

“She’s literally two years younger than us, quit calling her a kid!” It didn’t help Emerald’s case that she was blushing. “If I remember right she wiped your ass last week in Goodwitch’s class!”

“Sure,” the legless loafer drawled, “not like I was distracted by Blondie’s cheering uniform or anything...”

Cinder waved a hand. “ _Enough_. Thanks for your help but you both clearly have your own work to do. Don’t forget we have a meeting tonight before dinner.”

Merc and Em balked. “Are you kicking us out of here?”

“Of course I am. This is my room that you both barged into uninvited.”

“But-but _Cinder_ , Neo and Roman are making out in the-”

“Save it,” Cinder cut them off with a hand. “I don’t want to see or hear anymore about those two and their sex life. I’ll see you tonight.”

Knowing better than to directly disobey her, the two classmates and crimemates sidled up to the door, and with one hand over each others’ eyes they ambled into the living room like old blind men. Cinder smiled at her revenge, but her eyes drifted back to her profile.

Would she actually make a match? Sure, she had looks to **kill** for, and she’d played deceiver more times than she could remember, but would this random scheme actually catch a hunter?

In fact, screw the evil scheme. Her _ego_ was on the line...

Whatever. Mulling about this wasn’t going to get her homework done. Plugging into some smooth FNKI pop Cinder got to work on the day’s assignments.

* * *

It was four hours later, Vale cybersecurity wall breached and Oobleck’s essays written before Cinder was calling the rest of the team for the weekly meeting. Neo and Roman were shooting spitballs, while Emerald and Mercury made faces at them. Essentially a normal day among children.

“Settle down, minions!” Cinder hollered. “The sooner we get this over with the sooner burrito night starts.” One more half-hearted spitball before order resumed. “That’s better. First of all, I’d like to congratulate Roman on screwing up a simple Dust heist last week. While not a **total** catastrophe, this certainly puts our monthly operations revenue down a notch.”

Receptions were mixed, from Neo’s consoling hug to Mercury’s slow clap. “Not like you guys were able to fend off all of Team RWBY at once,” Roman lamented.

“In other news, Neo has gotten another one of her disguises put on the most wanted list, after robbing a ValeMart of its entire strawberry ice cream supply. Good work.”

“Wha- How is it when _she_ screws something up it’s a good thing?!” Roman argued.

Emerald snorted. “Obviously it’s because she’s cute when she’s doing it.”

Neo just beamed while snacking on some of her stolen stash.

“Finally, our planning phase. As you can see here,” Cinder continued while pointing a ruler at an arbitrary line graph, “organized crime in Vale proper is at an all-time high. However, I believe we can bump it higher through a cumulative approach of -”

 _Ding_. Oh?

Cinder pulled out her phone, reading the foreign notification from the top.

New Lonely match!

###### Love Daddy

 **Name** Taiyang Xiao-Long

 **Age** Aged Like a Fine Wine

  * Cool dude looking to rock it with chill babes
  * Responsible dad who raised two A+ huntsmen (seriously, they’re tough stuff)
  * Hands-down thrill seeker
  * Dependable Signal Academy professor
  * Best cook this side of Patch
  * Got a fire tattoo and hotter personality
  * One-of-a-kind sense of humor



“Oh, why hello, Love Daddy...” Cinder cooed, striking the ground with an audible whip.

“Hey!” Mercury whined, “how come **we** don’t get to use our phones during evil meeting time?”

“Hush, you.”

* * *

Taking another bite out of the delicious sour cream and guac, Cinder couldn’t keep her mind on the poorly-acted horror movie they had voted on. Stealing glances at her phone all night, she studied the stubbly face on-screen. Something about that bleach-blond hair seemed familiar...and where did she remember the name _Xiao-Long_ from?

Her deliberations were interrupted by another phone ping. What was..?

 _Hi!_ read a message from said match. _I’m - uh - I’m Taiyang! Happy to meet you. I’ll be honest, I haven’t been on the dating scene in a while, but I just wanted to say hello._

"Well well,” Cinder murmured, “who would’ve known he has a gentlemanly side.”

“Who’s a gentledude?” Mercury leaned up against her knees to ask her.

“Hmm,” Cinder put a finger against her lips before bringing it down to him. “well, I do know who _isn’t_ one.”

Merc raised an eyebrow before both shot up and he bolted for the bathroom, screaming hysterically at the tiny ember she’d lit on his hair. “That’ll teach you not to eavesdrop, Mercury,” Cinder called out.

Returning to the phone, Cinder debated her course of action. Would she respond to him in a timely manner to establish herself as interested? Should she leave him hanging forever and hope to find someone **actually** cool to bait and have fun with? Cinder just didn’t know.

“Neo,” she decided to ask the girl seated next to her, “what would you do if, hypothetically, you had finally found a match, but didn’t know whether to advance it or find another target who wasn’t obviously lying about their age?”

Neo pondered it for a second, before pulling out her own phone and typing at a blistering speed for about 30 seconds. Seemingly pleased with her response Neo turned the screen to her.

_Yes._

Cinder gave her a blank stare as another fake scream ripped from the TV. “Really Neo?”

The ice-cream criminal just winked before sliding off the couch onto Roman’s lap.

As usual, Cinder’s peons were no help and she had to do everything herself. Well, obviously with her new definitely-believable bio she could rope in any lonesome huntsman she wanted.

What was wrong with this one, though? He was handsome enough, the stubble and tattoo almost making his bio somewhat believable. And she couldn’t forget the obvious tie to Signal Academy. How often would she come by another _academy_ professor?

There was no more doubt in her mind. Typing up a message that was both flirty and leaving him with the semblance of control of the conversation, Cinder added a tiny emoji before sending the response off.

Pleased with the progress of her side scheme, she finished off her dinner before turning back to the climactic battle against the goo Grimm. Still, her thoughts wandered away from the terrible screenplay. She hadn’t been on a real date in... **ever**. Wow. Leave it to Remnant’s most beautiful archvillain to spend more time pretending to have fun than actually enjoy herself. That did leave one question, though...

Was this really all just another evil plan?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for waiting a while! This chapter was a helluva lot longer than the last and I guess most of them will be from here on out. Maybe you spotted the small references I made here and there..?  
> I'm on spring break from college, so I'm gonna try to use this time to plan ahead for this and the other like ten ideas I've got running around in my head lol  
> Like, kudo, and komment, it means a lot!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taiyang parts with family and gets ready for a one-of-a-kind encounter in Vale.

“Are you sure you can’t stay any longer?” Tai asked as Yang stuffed her suitcase by the door. The much-needed break was over, and his daughters were going back to the daily grind of university and huntress life.

“Dad, come on, we were supposed to be gone half an hour ago! Any later and we’ll miss the Bullhead back to Beacon!”

Man, it sure felt like every time they came home they were just a bit older, as his golden dragon wrestled with the laces on her combat boots. He dreaded the day they simply didn’t bother coming home for breaks. Now where was -?

“Gotcha!” Tai said as he clotheslined Ruby, who had tried dashing through the kitchen with her semblance and ended up caught by her father. “Were you honestly going to leave without giving your old man a goodbye?”

“ _Daaaad_!” the petite brunette wailed against the noogie, “we have to _gooo_! Weiss’ll kill me if I don’t finish the essay for tomorrow!”

“And you haven’t started it this entire break?! Who taught you such negligence?”

Taiyang stared balefully into the kitchen.

“Don’t look at me,” Qrow said defensively, arms wrapped around his preferred hangover cereal. “S’not my fault I was raised to be antisocial from the day I was born. Also, where’re my hugs and kisses goodbye?”

“In the same place where you said you’d go easy on us in Ninja Fighten!” Yang fired back, sticking her tongue out at her callous uncle. She turned back to Tai and yanked him off of Ruby, strangling him in turn and kissing his cheek. “Seriously though, Dad, thanks for everything. Me and sis wouldn’t be where we are today without you.”

Taiyang’s heart melted even as his lungs struggled for air. Ruby latched onto his arm too, nearly pulling it out of its socket. “Yeah! No other single dad could raise two badass huntresses AND cook such awesome spaghetti dinners! We’ll write to you soon, that's a Team RWBY promise!”

When Tai finally cried ‘Qrow’ Yang released him with a last peck on the cheek, then dashed to the garage to rev up Bumblebee. Ruby hugged her dad before following suit, and Zwei hopped up and down almost as if waving bye to the sisters. Tai watched the dust settle in the road, thinking back to his youth, skipping class and swooning dates and getting up close and personal with all kinds of -

_Dates!_

Qrow leaned half an inch to the right to dodge Taiyang sprinting through the kitchen, head too foggy to be surprised at the change of pace. “Any reason yer running around like a headless griffon?”

Tai backflipped down the stairs, frazzled and with five outfits in hand. “Qrow you’ve gotta help me here! I’ve only got two hours till I’m supposed to meet someone in Vale proper!”

Qrow rolled his eyes like Tai was telling the story of the time he wore a skirt for the thousandth time. “And you’re stressing about what shirt to wear why?”

“Wellll...” Tai started.

“Is this about the chick you matched with last week?”

“...”

Qrow snickered and immediately hissed from the effort of changing facial expressions too quickly. “Relax, old pal. It’s good to see the _ladies’ man_ gettin out an’ about with the ladies again. Why I remember the first time I found ya in the room -”

“Qrow! Focus! Outfits! Stubble! First impressions!” Tai groaned. “Do you think she’s into preppy guys? How about the it-could-rain-at-anytime getup?” He leafed through the clothes on hand. “Maybe the only-pairs-with-fedoras suit? Or or how about the my daughter’s a geek and so am I shirt? No - no way she’d think I’m way too old - oh how about the ‘We’re all Nomads from Somewhere’ T-shirt - Qrow are you listening? You’re not listening!”

Qrow set down the bowl he’d been slurping from the entire time Tai’d been mentally scurrying around. “Ahh, much better! Almost feels like I should drink another flask-full just to stay a little drunk...so have ya chosen one yet?”

Tai glared at the house-leech. “You haven’t given me any feedback yet, how am I supposed to make an informed decision!”

“Since when has the all-powerful god of masculinity needed anyone’s dating advice, eh?”

“I haven’t been on a date in twenty years, Qrow!” Tai shook the handheld wardrobe at him. “You’ve been going out with different people for a while, is there really nothing you can give me here?”

Qrow lowered his chin into his palm, humming loudly. “Oh, you know you could just go nude! Saves you a bunch a’ time worming between outfits.”

Tai gaze him a blank look. “That’s honestly the best tip you can give.”

“To be fair, I haven’t heard of anyone being arrested for that in years,” Qrow said sagely.

“That’s because no one’s been **stupid** enough to try it in years, Qrow!”

The bird-brain shrugged, standing up more steadily than he was used to as Zwei pushed against his leg to stop his fall. “Semantics, shematincks. Besides, you’ve got two hours before you even have ta start worrying about what to wear. Hell, my date today is in...” Qrow glanced at his scroll, “...thirty minutes ago.”

Taiyang cocked an eyebrow. “What happened to one-upping that Schnee girl you’re always raving about?”

Qrow spun to his in-law and froze before cackling wolfishly. “Oh, that’s _rich_. Me an’ Ice Queen never hooked up. You think she could handle my ravishing debonair from any closer than a sabre-length away?” 

Taiyang shrugged. “I’m just saying, for supposed bitter rivals you sure spend an inordinate amount of time sending each other memes until you’re late to teaching your class.

The ‘debonair’ drunk twisted the cap back on his container. “That’s just another form of wordplay that Ice Shween insists on trying to win at.” He twirled the flask about absentmindedly. “Yup, it’d be the day Beacon crumbles to the ground before I’d even think about shagging that piece of Atlas war materiel.”

“If that’s the case, who are you going to see today?” Tai asked.

Qrow looked over his shoulder with his trademark drunk smirk. “I’m an intelligence operative, what good would it be to give away all my secrets? Why don’t you just figger out what you wanna wear for today?” With a last wave over his shoulder Qrow disappeared around the corner and Tai heard a fluttering of wings fade away.

Damn that avian, good for nothing sack of -

* * *

Sitting alone at the cafe where they’d planned to meet, Taiyang shuffled in his seat nervously. It had taken him forty-five minutes too long to choose what to wear before he’d tossed it all up and blindly grabbed a shirt.

“Of course it had to be tie dye,” he groaned, landing facefirst on the patio table. “Can’t be anything handsome or masculine or creative. Why do I always fall back on tie dye?!”

Well it wasn’t like he could drive all the way back to Patch and make a better choice, so he might as well go with what he’d got. Tai propped his chin up as he scanned his surroundings. He’d gotten to Vale about ten minutes early, and for a Sunday afternoon things were quiet in this corner of the city. Vale proper was usually a whirlwind of activity, always hosting an event like a dog owner social or a fine art exhibit, but today felt muted. The noodle stands and smoothie bars sported a modest number of customers, but the _Go Green Go Lean_ restaurant he’d been sent to was empty save for him.

Actually empty didn’t cut it. It would be almost fitting if a Vacuo tumbleweed just rolled through the lightless kitchen and stole a quinoa bar. No one had appeared to ask what he was ordering. Were salad shops really so bad even the staff didn’t show up?

Tai checked his scroll. The date started four minutes ago. No message from Cinder about getting caught in traffic or cancelling the meet-up. No server in sight. Tai got thinking.

Thinking wasn’t usually a good thing for Taiyang to end up doing as the survivor of two failed marriages. Who sent someone to a salad bar for a first date? It was either some crazy health nut who could only talk about what you were doing wrong with your diet, or it was someone who knew the place was empty. Someone with a nefarious evil scheme...

Probably the latter. “Admit it,” he mumbled, “someone with a name like Cinder Fall is obviously made up.” Even if you were going to catfish someone it was only polite to show up on time!

Man, this was either going to be the first time he’d been stood up on a date or the second time he’d been kidnapped in his adult life...

With a sigh, he got up from his seat, eyes on his scroll as he tapped out a message before heading home. _At least I got to see the city again_ , he mused, looking up just in time to see a whirlwind of black and red crash into him.

“Oh, sorry!” Tai said, “I shouldn’t try to text when I’m -”

“LOVE DADDY.”

“I beg your pardon?” he asked, ignoring the nails digging into his forearm.

The woman in his arms groaned. “Sorry, what I meant to say is please sit down. I was...caught in traffic and I apologize if I kept you waiting.”

“No way...” Tai studied the face in front of him, the long raven hair, earrings as beautiful as they were deadly, golden eyes that sparkled with something between congeniality and pure evil...

“Miss Fall?”

“In the flesh,” the woman replied sweetly. “Again I am truly sorry for leaving you here alone, but if it’s alright with you we can begin our date from here.”

Catfish or no catfish Taiyang was down to hang out with a innocent girl like her. There was just one small problem...

“Miss Fall, I’m not sure if you knew but it seems the restaurant you wanted is closed today. I didn’t see a single person inside.”

“Oh don’t be silly,” she cooed, “there’s someone standing by our table right now.”

Tai spun around to see the skeletal restaurant brought back to life, neon green sign glowing and a jukebox playing Team FNKI’s latest album from inside the bustling salad kitchen. Indeed there was a waiter now, a tall ginger-haired gentleman who tried to wear a white jacket under his apron and was trying desperately to fake a disarming smile.

Totally dumbfounded, Taiyang felt his date’s gentle hand slide down his arm to clasp his fingers, leaving a trail of slashes that felt like **fire**. “Isn’t this place wonderful?” she said with a grin that was much too toothy. “And please, Taiyang...” there was a pause that made full use of the ominous violin crescendo...

“Call me Cinder.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been a hot minute, hasn't it? The next chapter is drafted and will be out soon. Thanks for sticking with this!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cinder woos Taiyang at the upstanding not-stolen restaurant _Go Green Go Lean_. Will Tai see through her deception? (Probably not or it would end right here.)

Tai still had no idea what was going on as he dropped back into his seat. The waiter seemed a tad eccentric for someone working the weekend afternoon shift, bowler hat stuffed in his apron pocket and enough eyeshadow to make even a queen of grimm jealous.

“Welcome to Go Green Go Lean,” he said mechanically. “Our restaurant is the best this side of Vale for your salad and supernutrient needs! Our award-winning energy balance shake has you - what is this nonsense - telling all your friends what they’re doing wrong with their diet.”

“Thank you so _much_ , Mr. Waiter,” Cinder replied, raising her voice over the loud bang under the table, and the waiter hissed and furtively grabbed his shin. “Would you mind giving me and this handsome gentleman time to look over your menu?”

“P-please take all you need,” he mumbled as he staggered back into the kitchen, leaving the two of them alone.

Alone. Cinder glanced at Taiyang expectantly before he took the hint, picking up and skimming through the menu. 

His fingers tapped quietly on the table.

Her hand ran through that luscious black hair.

His eyebrow raised and lowered. 

Staccato heels clacked against the pavement.

Tai gulped. He had to up his game. “So -”

“That’s a beautiful shirt,” Cinder blurted. “Very...colorful. Almost symbolic of - something.”

“Huh? I mean, yeah, thank you, I thought you’d appreciate the...intentional choice I made.”

“You must be familiar with the works of Salvador Schrödinger. He always said ‘art is both colorful and colorless, only choosing a state of being when we observe it.’ How thought-provoking.”

“Uhh...yes. Very provoking. My thoughts are definitely provoked. Have you chosen what to order?”

She fell for the non-sequitur. “Of course. A girl can’t simply sit for twenty minutes making up her mind as to what she wants. It takes true conviction, the will to take what is rightfully yours, that defines a godde-woman. Human woman.”

Taiyang grinned. “Spoken like a true supervillain. You’re comedy gold! Have you ever tried auditioning - hey! Are you alright, Cinder?”

“I’m - _hack_ \- I’m fine,” the definitely-not-criminal gagged, still coughing water from her choking fit. “Don’t worry, just - a victim of good humor. Why don’t we FETCH OUR WAITER?” she hollered.

In an instant the orange-haired man was back, half-limping with pen and paper in hand. “Have you made your choice yet?”

Taiyang’s date cleared her throat. “Could I have a half-order of your spinach paradise wrap? Extra tofu and no oil, please.”

“Alright, that’s one order of bark and tree leaves coming right ARGH kidding, kidding. What would you like, sir?”

Hmm. He hadn’t gotten all the way through the menu. “Do you guys serve any beef burgers? I’m kind of in the mood for a juicy, medium-rare patty right now?”

“Are you joking? Did you even bother reading what sort of OUM ALMIGHTY IT HURTS alright that is one beef burger with a side of illiteracy bye for now!”

Tai watched the waiter hobble away before turning back to his friendly and non-threatening date. “So, I know we talked a little bit before today, but I was wondering if you could tell me a little bit about yourself? What sort of work do you do?”

“Ha-ha uhh I thought you’d never ask,” she giggled nervously. “Why I’m a huntress! Just, doing the usual Grimm slaying here and there, making a killing- living. Making a living.”

“Well I know that much, but there’s gotta be something else you do. Grimm season is low right now and most huntsmen have a day job when they’re not on contract. Do you sing? Dance? You totally dance, you look like you could just twirl and everyone would _die_.”

The glass in her hand cracked. “Oh ho ho, no no no don’t be silly, I don’t kill people I...consult! I consult people on getaway vacations. Vacation consulting.”

“Wow, I didn’t know that was a thing! That’s so cool! Does that mean you get to travel outside the kingdom?”

“I guess you could say that,” Cinder mumbled. “I recently collaborated with a well-known faunus rights group on their trip from the east to Vale. They’re _really_ enjoying their stay here.”

“A consultant and an activist! What got you so involved in making the world a better -”

“Howaboutyouwhatdoyoulikedoing?”

Ah, seems like he was taking over the conversation again. Better pump the brakes and give her some breathing room.

“Well, I’m mostly a retired huntsman, so I only go for a few contracts a year. My main income is from mechanics work and growing flowers. They call me the Green Thumb of Patch! Well, they would if Mr. Zandapopulous hadn’t dropped in with his fancy Atlesian GMO vegetable garden,” the blond huntsman muttered.

“Ooo! Flowers! How...fragile? There must be something else you in your free time, like working out, or maybe...” Cinder’s eyelids fluttered, “teaching at Signal Academy?”

“Ah! Right. Signal. Yeah, I teach there part-time just to stay in shape and do my part to help the next generation of huntsmen get stronger. Our future always lies with the kids, as my dad used to put it.”

“Fascinating. Maybe you’d like to give me a personal tour sometime in the next few weeks? For - _uhh_ \- resume-padding purposes of course.”

Tai scratched his head. “Take a tour of Signal? I dunno, there isn’t really much to see, plus they really don’t like visitors who aren’t parents showing up. I’d have to give a really good reason to let anyone drop by while class is in session...”

Cinder smirked and reached out, gently brushing against his arm in a way that nearly set it on fire (little did he know that was literal). “Isn’t it simple then? You could find a time class isn’t in session to show me around. That way no one has to know.”

“Geh, wow, uhh,” Tai argued feebly against the wonderful and terrifying sensation spreading across his body, “I, err, I umm...”

“Your food, loyal customers!” the waiter chirped, stopping his dead train of thought and Cinder’s trail of passionate arm-searing. Behind the waiter a multicolored girl in a chef hat and mittens (as well as a dead expression that wrote her own obituary) strutted out, carrying a bowl of uncooked spinach and kale with a few frozen blocks of tofu on top. She beamed at Taiyang for a second before tossing the bowl at Cinder.

His date sputtered angrily. “What is this? I ordered the wrap, not some amalgamation of uncooked grocery foods!”

“Well technically you ordered the Spinach Paradise wrap,” the orange-haired waiter reasoned, “and this is by definition a paradise for spinach. Not having to encounter the hellish fires of the frying pan and having its best friend kale there with it.” Immediately he dashed behind the cook to avoid retaliation. “Anything else you two needed? Or are we done here? Permanently?”

Tai shrugged. “I mean, not sure if I mentioned it but I ordered a medium-rare burger?”

The ginger’s eye twitched, but when he looked at Cinder she wore an expression that either said _please get my date his meal before I kill you_ or _I’m going to kill you_. He facepalmed. “Dear chef, if you would please...” He made a small gesture pointing across the street and the girl smiled darkly, running back into the kitchen. “Anything else I can get for you while I’m here?”

“Just a glass of battery acid, please,” Cinder seethed, “either so I can make this plate more palatable or so I can punish the one responsible.” She smiled happily at Tai. “What about you, Love Daddy?”

Tai laughed sheepishly. “Pet names on the first date? Come on, you can’t call me that in public. Just another glass of water would be nice.” Cinder made a note of his weakness and to never stop calling him that.

There was a distant shrieking from a burger joint across the street. “What was that?” Tai said, making to get up from his seat.

Immediately Cinder pushed him back down. “Nothing! Nothing, I’m sure. Just someone throwing an indoor birthday party. Or something are you in the mood for dessert?”

Taiyang hummed, but from the corner of his eye he saw the waiter shaking his head vigorously. “Ah, no..? I think I’m...good on dessert...”

Orange-haired debonair sighed a breath of relief as the chef stepped back out from the kitchen, holding a deluxe bacon burger with a small chunk already bitten from it. “Your burger,” he said as the girl dropped it at Taiyang.

Tai balked. “Why’s there already a bite taken out of it?”

The ginger waiter looked at his partner helplessly. “We err we like to taste the food before it’s served, to make sure it’s not poisoned I guess? See?” He grabbed a handful of leaves and tofu from Cinder’s bowl, chewing before swallowing painfully. “Yup, definitely made of ice cubes and the flesh of a living tree. Ta-da, your food is safe, eat up bye.” He sprinted away with the chef before Cinder could grab his apron viciously.

Alone again, Taiyang and Cinder stared at each other before Tai started laughing. She tried laughing too, only making a grating sound with her throat. “Man, those two are great! Best way to get loyal customers is have a personality.” He took a bite out of his juicy, slightly-cold burger. “You gonna have your meal too, _Miss iBurn_?”

She took the bowl and set it down beside her out of his sight. “Oooh, so Love Daddy approves of pet usernames. And I’ll...give it a second to warm up. Maybe some sunshine will thaw the tofu.”

Smoke rose from under the table. “C-Cinder I think your food is burning!”

She glanced back at her seat. “Huh. So it is.” The bowl was back on the table now, spinach evaporating into fiery dust while Cinder fanned her food lightly. “Never can trust the sun with your food, can you. At least the tofu is still edible.” She grabbed an ash-peppered chunk and laid it on her tongue, drawing it into her mouth sexily. “Mmm, how do you like that, Lllooove Daddyyy?”

“The burger? Oh it’s alright. Definitely not as good as the ones at this Vacuan bar a few blocks down I used to go to a lot, but it gets the job done. You _were_ talking about the burger, right?

“Pretty much,” she replied with a roll of her eyes. “So tell me, where would they keep their cash at Signal Academy? Not for any nefarious plot or anything,” she added at his quizzical expression, “just thinking about how I can be better about where I hide my money. Yeah.”

Tai hummed into his fist. “Well, if I were to hazard a guess, I suppose the extra Lien is kept in a safe in Principal Portobella’s office. Why she does that I have no idea, since it’s just _asking_ for an over-the-top robbery scheme. What’s that you’ve got in your eye, Cinder?”

She shook her head and got rid of the stars in her pupil. “Nothing, just...agreeing with everything you said. It sounds most unwise to try and steal from a school where the teachers are trained warriors.” She fished out the last piece of tofu from the ash soup and just tossed it over her shoulder. “I’m sorry to say I have to take my leave soon. I must say, dear Love Daddy, this has been a most enjoyable experience. I foresee a fruitful partnership in the future.”

Tai nodded happily. “You bet! This was an awesome afternoon! You’re really something else, Miss Fall, getting to spend time with you is a real treat!”

Cinder almost choked again. It felt like she’d been shot through the chest with an arrow atop a ruined tower. How dare he say such sweet things to her earnestly?! “T-thank you Taiyang, I also found this time...rewarding.”

Cinder stood up and almost fell over from dizziness. Why was she feeling so lightheaded? “I’m afraid I must go now, meeting some customers and the rest. Here, pass me your scroll.” She tapped the screen a few times before handing it back to him, making sure to use her semblance on his palm one more time. “There. Now I have your scroll number instead of that blasted _Lonely Huntsman_ messenger app so I can plan future dates for us.”

Tai scratched his head. “Shouldn’t we just exchange our numbers so we both have em?”

Cinder flashed that innocent/evil smile again. “Silly Mr. Xiao-Long, you must understand that the lady must always be in control. Well this one at least,” she said under her breath. She leaned down across the table, making sure to push her chest by his face and put her lips next to his ear. “I’ll be seeing you around, _Love Daddy_. And don’t forget about Signal.”

Taiyang nodded. “Will do Miss Fall, thanks again and have a good meeting!” He waved as she made a sound like a groansighrollofeyes and strutted down the street.

Now really alone, Tai finished off his burger and glanced at the restaurant across the street, where two police cars were now parked in front. Probably time to get back to Patch and make sure Zwei didn’t tear up the house...

“Hey, I’m ready for the check!” he called into the kitchen. No response. Actually, all of the sudden the _Go Green Go Lean_ restaurant was about as dead as it'd been when he first got here - lights out, doors shuttered, music box unplugged, even a tumbleweed hiding in the corner.

Where did everyone go?

Shrugging, he left his plate and a twenty Lien chip on the table and set off to get his car. It always was fun to see Vale, and having a great date like she had been made everything ten times better! He almost couldn’t wait for another chance to -

“Qrow?!”

His brother-in-law looked up from his seat at the _Chenille Elegante_ Atlesian bistro. “Oh hey Tai, fancy seeing you in the city. Did yer date go as well as mine is going?”

“You’re really on a date? Who in their right mind would - oh, hello Miss Lavender. Love your show. Surprised you stuck around for someone who made you wait all afternoon.”

The white-haired news anchor beamed. “Thank you very much. And I didn’t mind the few hours waiting, got some more research on the White Fang’s activity here in Vale done. However it is wonderful to get a chance to step away from work and enjoy time with such a charming gentleman such as Mr. Branwen.”

“Did ya hear that, pal? I’m a gentledude now.” Qrow’s grin just made the whole thing worse.

“Ugh, you know what I’m going home now. Don’t expect me to cook you something tonight you food-vulture. Have a good rest of your weekend, Miss Lavender,” Tai said as he walked off.

“Oh I will! Thank you!” she beamed and waved at him.

“Eh, don’t worry about that old man,” Qrow said. “He’s just jealous he didn’t get to spend his time with a woman as intriguing and multi-fasheted as you are. After all, no woman in the kingdom could be as newsworthy as th’one who literally runs the news in Vale!”

Lisa Lavender giggled. “Aww, that’s so sweet! And hearing you try to use big words is cute.”

Qrow coughed into his hand. “Ey, I’ll have ye know my vocabulary only expands the drunker I get. Call it a - _hic!_ \- a alcohol almanac.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.”

“If yer so sure, why don’tcha put it on your fancy schmancy news show?”

Lisa raised an eyebrow. “Maybe I will, just to see what the doctors say.”

“Doctors are just overpaid science spewers, what could they possibly know?”

“A whole lot more than you, obviously.”

Qrow groaned. “Dammit, now yer starting to sound like my sister.”

“And **I’m** starting to feel like studying murder victims is a better use of my weekend than this. Good day, Mr. Branwen,” she got up with a huff.

He took a long sip of his liquor before checking his scroll. “Lasted three minutes longer than my last date,” he mused. “Technically that’s what I call improvement.” With a glance to make sure no one was watching, Qrow ducked under the table and transformed, flapping away without paying his tab. Wasn’t like he’d ever be back here anyways.

Now to find out what Tai was cooking tonight...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gonna try to keep future chapters on the shorter side, but there was so much I wanted to put here. Especially the cut to Qrow's (un)successful date. And poor henchman Roman qq  
> Hope you guys are still enjoying this crack fic cuzzz I definitely have way too many chapters planned for this...


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cinder explains the latest, greatest scheme to her bumbling peons, and attempts to draw more out of her new _acquaintance_...

Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah...

“Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah - **ow**! What, I was just learning how to be an effective teacher!” Mercury pouted, rubbing the sore spot where Emerald had dropped a book on his head.

“I can barely handle one monotonous drone of nonsense as it is, thank you very much. I’m damn near ready to give this guy violent hallucinations of all the monsters he’s ever killed rising from the ground and - ouch!”

Cinder retreated her hand and rolled her eyes as she checked her notes. _Still nothing other than out-of-context anecdotes about his time in the field. How could anyone glean any information from this moronic, droll waste of time?_ “Cool it, both of you. The less attention you to bring, the less likely that vile snake Goodwitch double checks our exchange student IDs. I understand that this Port fellow is someone I wouldn’t mind taking down a peg or two but - Mercury put that spitball down!”

Emerald snickered at his face - he almost looked ready to cry when she took his makeshift weapon away. “So, how did your _date_ go last weekend, boss?” she whispered in Cinder’s ear.

“Ugh, would you stop calling it that?” the team leader hissed. “It was merely a professional meeting at a chic restaurant in the city. A professional meeting. A get-together. A hangout for lunch. Okay maybe it looked like a date but I can assure you I do NOT have feelings for him! That would be most unbecoming of a criminal mastermind such as myself.”

Mercury nodded sagely. “Sounds like someone is in denial. After all you _did_ use a dating website to find this guy. Who kidnaps a whole restaurant staff for a day just to borrow their kitchen and says it wasn’t a date?”

Cinder facepalmed. “To be fair, they were promised a handsome compensation for the damage Neo did to their kitchen when we released them. And then promised death if they ever spoke of this again.”

“What kind of plan was it to leave Neo in the kitchen anyways? The only thing she’s good for is skewering things and looking cute when doing it,” Emerald said. “And Roman wouldn’t shut up about the abuse he puts up with when he got back to the base that night.”

Mercury laughed and fake-clutched his leg. “Oh how she wounds me!” he mimicked. “Neo, could you pass me the bandages for my poor agonised shin? And a cigar should I die before the sun sets, my love! A gentleman can only take so much before his refined senses tell him that he’s too good for his associates!”

Even Cinder had to cover her mouth to hide her cackles. “That- that was pretty good. Now if you two are done playing around, I’m drafting the next target for you to strike soon.”

Now they were all ears. Merc and Em had been bored out of their minds in the last few weeks, only getting small jobs done here and there. A full mission of crime-making was exactly what the doctor ordered. “What’s the plan? It have anything to do with your huntsman hubby?”

“Never call him that again, but technically yes. The man known to you as Love Daddy works part-time at Signal Academy, a premier huntsman prep school a few hours out of the city. Many rich parents send their children there to learn how to kill and maim like good boys and girls, and as a result the coffers must be overflowing with Vale money. My _date_ let it slip that what money isn’t stored away at the bank is kept in Principal Portobella’s office on the campus. I will devise a tactical plan for a calculated infiltration by you two in the next few weeks. How does that sound?”

Her two minions almost salivated at the thought of an honest-to-goodness heist operation. “Tell me where it is and we’ll hit the office right now,” Mercury chuckled. “Why does that principal’s name sound so familiar..?”

“Hush, you. As always your short-sightedness leaves you vulnerable to mistakes. Strategic and careful thinking is the key to making an operation such as ours succeed, and you’ll do well to follow my example.” Cinder flipped through her calendar, marking a big red X over a Saturday night two weeks from today (specifically not the burrito night - that was sacred). “With two weeks I can plan effectively for any contingencies we may need, and you can prepare yourselves adequately. Is that clear, both of you?”

“Ha, who do you think we are, amateurs?” Emerald said flatly. “That Signal Academy won’t even know what hit em when we’re BWAGAH HEY RUBY!” she practically screamed and clambered back into Mercury’s chair when the little red reaper popped her head by their table.

“Hi Em! Whatchu guys talking about?” Ruby smiled, looking so damnably innocent and naive it made Cinder’s blood boil.

Emerald took a second to recalibrate as she shoved Mercury out of his chair, sitting in a smooth posture that belied her total frazzling a moment ago. “Oh ah nothing, nothing, just being a team, doing team stuff, coming up with fun team activities, the usual sort of team thing! Why what’re you doing how are you how’d you get here?”

Ruby tilted her head to the side but smiled despite the barrage of questions - fitting since she fired them away so frequently. “Well, classes are over for the day, so I was wondering if you wanted to hang out for a while? There’s this new comic store in the city I wanted to check out and since I knew you liked comics I thought we could go together!”

In retrospect, simply telling her crush Emerald liked everything she did may not have been the best idea. “Ah uh - comics? Yeah I read books! Sure I- I’ll go with you! I can, right? We’re not doing anything now Cinder, are we?”

Cinder rolled her eyes for the umpteenth time. “I have group training booked for the afternoon, since you and Mercury could spend some time working on - MERCURY!”

The silver-haired teen was waving at them with a cheeky grin on his face as he was dragged out of the classroom by the arm, while the busty blonde girl already talked his ear off about all the crazy things they could do today, and by the time Cinder could utter a curse and throw a weak fireball at them they turned the corner and were out of sight.

 _Grumble, grumble, peons getting distracted from work by girls_... “You know what, fine, go have fun with your afternoon. Just know I expect double when you get back,” Cinder warned.

“You mean it?! I mean yes ma’am, be back before you know it,” Emerald corrected herself as she speedwalked away with the leader of Team RWBY. She definitely wasn’t coming back anytime soon.

Cinder sighed, collecting her things in her bookbag as everyone filed out. Those two sisters had been a thorn in her side for quite some time, but so long as Mercury and Emerald didn’t catch _feelings_ for either of them, gods forbid, she’d let them have their fun for now.

And why did that blonde bimbo look so familiar to her..?

Out in the hallway, Emerald waved off Ruby’s concern. “Don’t worry about it, Ruby. Cinder isn’t mad, she’s just...focused, I guess that’s the word. Her version of fun is coming up with new things for us to do together, and making sure we’re doing our homework and training and doing basically whatever she thinks we should do. She’s cool like that. Promise.”

Ruby nodded. “Oh, if that’s how she is that’s okay. At least she’s fine with us hanging out every now and then. Gotta say though, she sounds a lot like someone I know - _I’ll never forgive you for stealing my cookie jar Weiss!_ ” she hissed uncharacteristically.

“What was that last part?”

“Nothing, nothing! Come to think of it, why do I feel like I remember her from somewhere..?”

* * *

Roman and Neo were right where they’d been when she left for class - splayed out across the couch, watching some nameless soap drama about a man with two souls trying to find his girlfriend in the Grimmlands or something. They barely looked up when she kicked off her heels and went to grab a grape soda from the fridge, and only acknowledged her when Roman shoved a foot in her way.

“You see what you did?” he asked. “Thanks to our little charade we played over the weekend, I came home unable to use my left foot! Neo has had to put up with me bedridden on the couch for Oum knows how long!”

The look on Neo’s face said _far too long_. She held up an index card marked with pink ink and shot it like a shuriken at Cinder’s face, who caught it in the nick of time.

 _Next time, make me the waitress_ , it read simply.

It took most of Cinder’s well-endowed willpower not to incinerate the both of them and fuse them with the couch. “Alright one - Roman your aura is unlocked and you’ve been able to walk the whole time, so quit using it as an excuse to trap your girlfriend in TV hell with you. Two, Neo, I hate to break it to you, but your conversation skills are...”

Ah...

Neo crossed her arms and tapped her foot, just waiting for Cinder to finish her sentence.

“...are adequate should the need arise. Consider it done.” Cinder made a mental note to never perform restaurant takeovers again. “Are you two done being whiny children? There are things to get done and Mercury and Emerald have decided to spend the day entertaining silly girls they’re much too good for and -”

Roman turned the volume to the max. “REALLY?” Cinder yelled over the noise. “YOU’RE JUST GOING TO BE LIKE THAT? RRGH EVERYONE AROUND ME IS INSUFFERABLE AND INCOMPETENT AND I JUST WANT ONE DAY WHERE EVERYONE JUST DOES WHAT I TELL THEM TO!”

Neo just waved as Cinder stomped off to her room and slammed the door shut with enough force to rattle the walls. Lucky she had it designed for her modest temper.

Alone. Finally some calm and respite from all the idiocy surrounding her. What should she do now?

Well she could take some time off to enjoy herself - everyone else seemed to be doing it. Perhaps she needed something fun to take her edge off. Preferably _before_ she turned Emerald and Mercury into literal solid emerald and liquid mercury. Hmm, there was that carnival coming up next weekend out in one of the satellite cities around Vale proper. Maybe if she checked out the rides, tried some gluttonous food, **won** a few carnival games...that could do her some good.

However, the smart thing to do would be to plan ahead for the heist. Oum knew how much could go wrong with a huntsman academy infiltration without proper procedures - how to disable the security system, where video footage was stored, whether or not there were physical guards in place on weekends, all of it had to be considered. Hell, the main reason they were attending Beacon was to learn as much about the layout of the academy for the eventual day they made off with half the kingdom’s coffers and retired to a private island in Vacuo.

Where would she get those answers? Online was a good start, but there would only be so much information available publicly. She would need to spend a decent amount of time hacking into the Signal database to get access to email correspondences, keep a running tally of how many people were posted on weekends - ugh just thinking about how much work it would be was _headache-inducing_.

She did have a shortcut though, she realized.

Cinder pulled out her scroll and scrolled down to the newest contact she’d made. Taiyang Xiao-Long, teacher at Signal. How much would he know about security at the school? Probably not everything, but probably not nothing either. Reaching out to him was her best starting point.

And she had to make it enticing too. Something that would disguise her main objective, a weapon of subterfuge she could use to infiltrate his mind and his good graces...

Bikini shots.

Cinder opened her gallery, admiring the dozens of shots of her posing at a South Vale resort a few months ago when the team had been short on cash and AC. Backside, frontside, side shot, top down? Ah, she should’ve found a way to determine which was his favorite! After half an hour well-spent deliberating, Cinder chose the one they still used on advertisements for the vacation spot, a flamboyant front shot of her with braided hair in a stunning red bikini, hands raised behind her head as she winked at the camera.

No man could resist that. They would die trying.

Cinder  
_lolbadphoto.img_  
Hello Taiyang, I just wanted to say thank you again for spending time with me last weekend~  
You wouldn’t happen to know the name of this resort, would you? It’s escaped my mind and I’m DYING for a change in scenery...  
Thinking of you,  
Cinder ;)

With a dark, satisfied chuckle, Cinder sent off the salacious text and took a long drag of her soda, basking in her good work. Now all she had to do was wait for him to half-recover from his mental breakdown and she would have everything she’d ever need from him...

It was a good forty-five minutes before her scroll went off again. Seems she’d done more damage than she’d intended. Oh well, now he was just another man in a million she’d left spellbound.

Taiyang Xiao-Long  
Hey Cinder! No problem, I had a lot of fun at lunch myself, maybe we can hang out again soon!  
Oh funny story - I actually used to frequent the Beohamas Island Resort when I was still in school! They gave me a handsome nickname too - the Golden Sunshine Dragon! They might even recognize me if I decide to go down there again. Hope that helps  
Thanks for checking in,  
Taiyang

Bwahuh..?

He...his brain still worked..?

Impossible! No one survived the bikini shot! It broke marriages and made women question their sexuality! Even Adam had stared a whole thirty seconds before stabbing his own shoulder to numb the pain in his head! This had to be a ruse - a trick, someone had grabbed his phone and hidden the picture while typing out a response. Or or his scroll couldn’t read images!

But he knew what resort she was talking about, which meant he had to have seen the photo to begin with...

Was he _gay_? He had to be gay. Maybe he turned gay in the half-week since she met him. Cinder had to know the truth.

Cinder  
You...you did see the photo, right?

Taiyang Xiao-Long  
What, the beach picture? Yeah, it’s a nice photo. You look like you enjoyed your trip down there! Lemme tell you, those hot springs are to DIE for! Maybe I will head down there sooner than later.  
Why? Was there something I missed?

Cinder  
You’re not gay r u

Taiyang Xiao-Long  
Huh? I- I mean I don’t think so considering I enjoyed my date with you...

Cinder  
O  
Oh alright  
That’s finedfasjkglkfadsgh

Taiyang Xiao-Long  
Cinder are you alright?!

Cinder  
brb

No soap show could replicate the primal scream that echoed off the walls of their hideout that evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a hiatus! I wish I had come back sooner since this chapter came pretty naturally.  
> If you're still around, thanks for reading! Having engaged readers is always fantastic - especially with crack ship pairing heh  
> Leave a comment for yer favorite part if you'd like - and (no promises) expect another chapter before August rolls around ^_^


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our cast spends the weekend relaxing and having various sorts of fun, before Taiyang decides he has something to prove.

It was a good old-fashioned Vacuan standoff. Taiyang always knew that it would eventually come down to this. He curled and uncurled his fist in anticipation, a bead of sweat dripping down his temple. Things would never be the same at the Xiao-Long household after this.

_One Mountain Glenn, Two Mountain Glenn, Three Mountain Gl-_

“HYAAH!” the dragon roared as he launched his assault, fingers squeezing around the throat of his enemy before they could react, and with a dramatic flair he tore back his hand, relishing in the flesh he held as his opponent withered and died.

“Woohoo! That’s the last of those pesky weeds!” he cheered as he tossed it in a wheelbarrow. “Now our beautiful sunflowers can grow nice and strong for when the girls come home! And you too, my precious little organic tomato plants,” he cooed at the small buds growing from the soil.

“Gah, if ma nieces came home and heard you talkin’ like that they might think y’were cheating on em,” Qrow groaned from his seat on the patio. “Also, can someone turn down the outside? These sunglasses ain’t helping with my headache.”

Tai huffed and grabbed back what his annoying house-roach had borrowed. “Maybe they aren’t helping because you took my workshop goggles, you big blind bird! How are you so hungover even the cereal didn’t cure it?”

“Dun even - _bleurgh_ \- ask tha’ question. Instead, why don’tcha ask, ‘Qrow, what fantastic dish would you like me to make you for lunch?’ I’d appreciate that.”

“I’d appreciate if you showed a little more appreciation for what I do to keep this house a home!” Taiyang retorted. “All you do is sit there and watch me work my butt off while you sip on - what are you drinking? Is that my health punch?!”

Qrow glanced at the green spinach floating in his glass. “That explains a few things,” he muttered as he set it down in front of Zwei. “Besides, I show plenty appreshashun. I called yer food fantastic, didn’t I?”

“That’s not...how long has it been since Ozpin last sent you in the field, anyways? I feel like you’re always here for some reason. If you’re going to be around for so long the least you could do is dust off the garage for me while we wait for your unemployment check to come in.”

“Hey, I ain’t ‘unaboyed!’ I’m just between huntsman operations at the momen-tah. If I really wanted to I could go out there and kill a whole city’s worth o’ Grimm then come home in time for dessert!”

Tai nodded, swiping the glass before Zwei could make himself a superfood superhero again. “Alright, **or** you could take ten minutes and help me clean up the garage. That sounds like something a not-not-employed huntsman could do.”

Qrow stood up suddenly and yawned, fixing the kinks in his back audibly. “Actually, I have a... _prior obligation_ in the city, if ya didn’t know. Looks like this bad boy got ‘imself another date in town tonight. Can’t wait to one-up you again, old man!”

“Right, Qrow, cause your last date turned out _so well_...”

“Hey! How’d you find out about that?!” Qrow balked.

Tai simply pointed at the TV from the window. “You do realize that was Lisa Lavender you were going out with, right? The face of weekday Vale news? She ran a full half-hour show detailing every little thing you did wrong ever in the public eye. Then she made fun of your cape.”

“What? No! This is the epitome of manliness! The embodiment of high fashion! The master class in culture! How dare she!”

“Wow, what happened to your drunken drawl - Qrow! Get back here! You still have chores to do!”

“Wasn’t kidding about that date, Tai! Have fun with your baby bloomers down there!” He gave a lazy salute and rounded a corner before Zwei could grab him by the pant leg.

Tai looked up in time to see a large black bird flap clumsily away. “Don’t you dare come home for dinner, or all you’re getting is uncooked sunflower seeds, you homewrecker!” he shouted at the empty sky.

Zwei whimpered lowly and sat down with Tai. In truth, he had planned to spend most of the day badgering Qrow to do work around the house, but with the lazy brother escaped he found himself...done.

Nothing left to do. Wow. Leave it to Patch to let even the Grimm have an off day.

Tai leaned back and considered his options. There was a B-movie marathon happening in thirty minutes, but he’d seen them all twice. He could scrub down the counters a third time today. Maybe Zwei wanted to go for a run - no, no it looked like the pup was still reeling from a sip of his veggie juice. Guess he could take care of email.

Taiyang pulled out his scroll and read through his inbox. Only about a dozen promotional emails in the past two weeks - thank Oum for Patch’s isolation! A discount on the spring collection at a Vale clothing store, promotional material for a East Vacuo Sea cruise liner, a plea from the King of Forever Fall to send ten thousand lien wired over the CCT - wait a minute, Forever Fall didn’t have a king!

 _This weekend only!_ the next email read. _Enjoy sights, sounds, games and food at the annual Pumpkin PeteFest! Win prizes at the 100%-safe Grimm Games Carnival, sponsored by the Atlesian Department of Military Technology! Compete among the best of the best at the inaugural Z Games! Do you have what it takes to have Pumpkin Pete fun?_

That seemed...a bit much. Maybe he would’ve jumped on the opportunity back in his days as a huntsman in training, but now he had the wisdom and experience to know that he was better off putting his energy in productive tasks, like reading or yoga. Plus he paid his own health insurance...

Suddenly a haunting voice echoed through his mind:

 _“Can’t wait to one-up you again, old man!”_ cackled a gangly demon as it ran off.

Old man..?

“Qrow, you avian asshole, I ain’t old!” Tai hollered at the clouds before dashing inside and grabbing his car keys. “Let’s go, Zwei! We’re going to prove that we’re still on fleek in the most convincing way possible -

“By winning the Z Games!”

Zwei yipped and hopped in shotgun, already wearing his red cape and hood. “This outfit again? Hey, don’t look at me like that, _on fleek_ is totally what kids say these days!”

* * *

Ursa’s Drop was a classic Vale carnival game that dated back to before the Great War. The game consisted of a large rubber button that was connected to a tall pole capped with a dampening bell, and players would hit the button as hard as possible to sound the bell louder than the others. The highest recorded score for Ursa’s Drop was set a mere two days after the game’s inception, by a powerful and boisterous man by the name of Percival Portobello, who reached a score of two thousand nine hundred and ninety-three, twice as high as the next highest score in his time, and for a hundred years this record would never be broken.

“Impossible!” screeched the man running the game stand. “For a hundred years the record has never been broken! Over three thousand..? I can’t - I won’t believe it!”

“Believe it buster,” the blonde huntress smirked as she stepped past and claimed her prize. “And make sure that goes viral, won’t ya? See you around~”

She walked off to find her silver-haired classmate, who was standing by a food truck almost salivating over a plate piled high with chicken nuggets. “Mercury, did you seriously leave me to get even more disgusting food? Tell me you saw that world record I just broke.”

The fake student blinked. “Oh uh, hey Blondie. _Definitely_ saw you do that - that thing you just did. Real ten outta ten material right th- wait what the hell is that?”

“Oh, this furry friend? His name is Drei and he’s your new pet! Treat him with love and care or I’ll be very upset with you! And kick your ass.” Yang threw the human-sized stuffed tiger at him, toppling him over and sending nuggets flying everywhere.

“Nooo! My glorious meal! How could you?!” He cradled a soggy chicken nugget in his arms. “There there, everything’s gonna be okay, baby, I promise, she won’t hurt you again!”

Yang rolled her eyes and scooped him up in one hand. “Alright, I’ve officially beaten every game at this fair. Coming here after a whole week of classes was the best idea ever! What crazy thing do you want to do next?”

Mercury considered their options as he munched on what survived her assault (sadly, he couldn’t blow his cover and try to steal anything valuable with her around). “Well, we still need to ride that six-story rollercoaster, but I’d prefer **not** to barf at supersonic speeds. There’s a holographic haunted house up the hill on the left, wanna try that first?”

She beamed at him with one of those smiles that always gave him goosebumps, kind of like how he felt after a smooth robbery or pranking Emerald. _Freaky_. “Bet you’ll scream like a little girl at the first jump scare. Lead the way!”

Mercury shrugged his shoulders and walked up the steps -

Before freezing and immediately turning around, grabbing Yang by the hand as he practically sprinted back to the food truck. “Mercury?! What are you doing? Did you get scared _already_?” Yang asked.

He held up a hand as he caught his breath, looking back at the hill they’d been climbing not five seconds ago. His face was totally pale, as if he’d seen some kind of evil fiend or something. “No- nothing! Nothing didn’t see anyone she didn’t see me yet so don’t don’t worry how... _haah_...how about we do something else for now? Anything that doesn’t involve going down the **left** path.”

“Oh. Um, okay... Wanna watch those Z Games everyone’s hanging around? I don’t really feel like competing though, that feels more like something an aging dad would do to prove he’s still young.”

“That... _phew_...that sounds great. Lead the way. Wait, isn’t that Professor Oobleck over there?”

Yang followed his pointed finger. “Huh, yeah it is. Didn’t think he’d be the type of guy to relax and have fun at a HOLY GRIMM IS THAT MY UNCLE?!”

Sure enough, a red-caped poorly-shaven miscreant of a father figure was sitting at a tall table, lazily explaining something to the green-haired teacher. “Huh, small world. Looks like they’re on a date or something.”

“Motherfucker...I think you’re right! That no-good two-timing sonofabitch had better apologize to my teammate’s sister or he’ll have another thing coming when I go home!”

“Is he already dating someone?” Mercury asked. “I thought I saw a news segment about how much of an ineligible bachelor he is. Doesn’t seem like the kind of guy anyone is waiting to go out with...”

“Ugh, whatever. Let’s go do something else before I _really_ get involved in his love life too.” Yang walked down the right path, scanning the eager crowds cheering on the competitors for the - 

“Eep!” Yang did a 180 and grabbed Mercury by the collar and the pet tiger in her other hand, speeding all the way back to the food truck. “Yang?! What the hell?”

She looked around frantically, checking over her shoulder before shoving him into the tiny space between the stalls. “Shh! Uhh, don’t worry I - I just thought we could play a game of hide and seek! With ourselves. Definitely not with anyone who might look this way and see me hanging out with a guy without telling him about said guy, _no sir_.”

Mercury, who had been perplexed up until that moment, turned intrigued as he settled his hands below her waist. “Is that so..? Well then, color me happy to oblige. A game of hide and don’t seek sounds like just the game I wanted to - Blondie?”

Yang looked him dead in the eye with a stone-cold glare. “Where are your hands, Mercury.”

“Oh shit.”

Back at the Z Games, Taiyang stretched his back out and tried not to think about the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that there was someone he needed to kill right now. Instead he looked out at the massive expanse of obstacles in front of him, painted shades of blue and red like the liability form he’d signed ten minutes ago. There were daunting slopes and bars stretching out for what felt like miles, all perfectly measured to test the sheer limits of human strength and agility.

Tai checked out the other contestants around him, all varying types of fierce and fearsome. There was the seven foot-tall mountain of muscle, posing for dozens of fans surrounding the arena; then the average joe who was in way over his depth and clearly knew it; the silent and deadly type twirling a toothpick between his fingers; and finally the lithe and nimble acrobat girl, eyeing the course with mild disinterest as they waited for the announcer to come on stage.

They didn’t have to wait long, as a portly fellow wearing a leotard under a business suit emerged from a porthole in the ceiling. The cheering of the crowd reached a crescendo, and from the corner of his eye Taiyang could see Zwei hopping around to cheer him on, propped up by adoring fangirls who worshipped the little pup in a red superhero costume.

“Welcome one and all, to the _inaugural_ Z Games!” the man with an unbearably Mantle accent bellowed into a microphone. “You’ve been waiting, you’ve been cheering, and now you are going to be _watching_ the best of Vale throw it down against the biggest, baddest obstacles mankind has ever faced! Besides the Grimm of course.”

The cameras followed his outstretched arm to the courses before them. “First, challengers will attempt to traverse the hazardly Beowolf Crossing, testing the raw strength of our contestants and landing them in a pit of experimental shock-absorbing gel should they fail! Brought to you by the wonderful folks at the Atlas Department of Military Technology.”

He gestured beyond crossing of doom. “After that, the hazardous King Taijitu Roller Pillars await them, spinning hard enough to throw a person twenty feet into the air! Hope you all have your aura unlocked, ah heh heh.”

The crowds roared as the last challenge rose from a fake ring of fire. “Finally, the Schnee Dust Corporation, alongside Pumpkin Pete’s Cereal, brings you the Nevermore Bouncers and Swingers, a series of pads and - _swings_ \- guaranteed to topple the unworthy among our contestants! Who will be crowned champion today?”

Among the cacophony of cheers and jeers the others took their places while Tai stretched out his quads, squinting at the far end of the course. Daunting, sure, but nothing he hadn’t done as a member of Team STRQ. Why, Raven made him eat things like this for breakfast!

This was no sweat. Taiyang was gonna have this in the bag, and what’s more it would be on TV so he could rub it in Qrow’s face when he got home!

“Z Games warriors, ARE YOU READY?” hollered the announcer. “The biggest competition this side of Remnant starts in three, two, o - wait wait **wait**!”

He held up a hand, freezing the giant holographic screens behind him. “It looks like our final competitor has just arrived! Give a warm welcome to our last-minute entry!”

Taiyang, understandably perplexed as to what could’ve interrupted his moment to shine, turned to see the newcomer and did a physical double take as the crowd took them in as well.

Just to his right, in a brilliant black tank top and slacks, and looking just as surprised to see him beside her, was a dangerously beautiful and altogether familiar face...

“Cinder?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even if you're not a fan of Gauntlets and Greaves (Yang/Mercury), I hope you still liked the buildup for next chapter, with Tai vs Cinder competing in Remnant Ninja Warrior! And yes, Qrow is a beautiful bisexual in this story threw u a curveball hah  
> Be back with more of this later B)


	7. ON HIATUS

Hey everyone, sorry that I haven't come through with anything in a while! This is honestly a little late aheheh...

I wanted to make this announcement earlier, but I've been forced to go on hiatus for most of this semester. Between my job, family, and third-year engineering classes I've had to evaluate how effectively I use my time. In short, to stay afloat I need to cut everything fun from my life for the next few months - from video games to time with bae to writing...writing that I've grown to love in the short time I've been a part of this community. 

What'll hurt just as much is being unable to read the fantastic things everyone else will be posting in my time away, but at the same time I look forward to spending my entire winter break swimming in fanfics and having fun with people I love - both in my personal life, and over the many fandom discords I've been welcomed into. Rest assured that I'll keep writing chapter drafts in my time off from the site, so _hopefully_ (fingers crossed) you guys can expect not only more consistent chapters come 2k19 but **better** chapters. The creative writing class I'm taking should give me some insights on that too.

I got involved with both the general fanfic community and the RWBY fandom pretty late, but reading and interacting and just _being_ a part of this crazy group of talented and caring people warms my heart and gives me a little strength every day.

Expect to see more of my writing in late December. Thank you for your time, be safe and stay awesome \m/

SSAQ

**Author's Note:**

> I'd better not be the only one who was thinking up some way to bring this to life...  
> This will be a slight AU set around Volume 2, where Cinder's actually just a Vale criminal boss with Torchwick and Co. This way, the Fall doesn't happen but Cinder can still have "nefarious plans" *snicker*  
> As always, sporadic updates...


End file.
